the walk

oh what a night…

photo courtesy of google images photographer unknown.

oh what a night we had here in the canyon… my puppy inga woke me up barking hysterically at like 11 pm,, and it was then that i heard it- the scream of a mountain lion evidently making a kill on the hill directly in front of my house.. it must have been a difficult kill because the gut wrenching screams continued on for what seemed like forever before the night resumed its silence…

inga was inconsolable.. she was terrified,, but she wanted to go outside to see what was out there making that noise.. of course i couldn’t let her as i was terrified she would be its next victim,, so we spent the night trying to soothe her tortured soul,, and go back to sleep.. needless to say neither came easy..

i know there are mountain lions where i live,, but i have never seen nor heard one before,, and now that i have i feel a strange sense of night terror i have never felt before.. i know it is just nature and that even a mountain lion deserves to eat,, but i cannot rinse the terrifying cry’s from my memory.. how can i ever let the dogs out at night again without fear??

this is a side of “country living” i have never experienced,, and would have been all the better off if i never had!!!

waiting for summer

waiting for summer by =P0RG on deviantART

so far this year it has been the summer that wasn’t,, here in the land that time forgot.. i am sitting here in a tee shirt, a sweatshirt, sweatpants, two pairs of socks, and my robe,, looking at a clear blue sky and a temperature near 50 degrees.. it is taking everything i have not to build a fire..

this is the coldest summer i have ever spent here in the canyon.. i have never had to build fires in july,, or sleep with two comforters.. i have had to wear sweatshirts in the house every day but two so far this season,, and have yet to be able to open the windows and let the warm air in… i just cannot tell you how much i miss a warm summers day..

i have no central heat in my house,, my only heat source is a wood burning stove,, so come june i am so over being cold and hauling firewood,, i cannot wait to feel the warm summer sun and be able to open the windows and maybe even spend a few moments out in the beautiful sunshine.. but for some reason mother nature has another plan for us here this year.. she is holding off on summer,, and in case there is any question, , i am less than pleased..

fortunately today we were blessed with a clear blue sky in the morning instead of the usual fog so the day has possibilities.. but it doesn’t stop me from longing for a long hot summers day… they say maybe we will get an indian summer.. but as for me,, i would rather have had a few warm sunny months,, to warm my soul and fuel my inspiration…

so where ever you are,, i wish you sunshine and warm summer winds.. if nothing else,,  then maybe i can live this summer vicariously thru you..

frayed knot..

i have come to the conclusion that my morning panics are directly related to the fact that i cannot seem to write right now.. morning was always my favorite time for writing,, and i wake up so scared i cannot produce anything that it sets me into a panic mode.. i have to work on coming up with something anything to release some of that inner pressure,, and open the door for the words to flow thru…

La Cuerda by =neko-mangaka on deviantART

my words are tightly knotted
like a rope,, frayed on the edges
but still strong and tight..
they coil around my heart,,
and strangle the calm
that should be mine..
like serpents
they meander thru my being
constricting, squeezing
every bit of serenity
from my soul
leaving me breathless,
palpitating,
and afraid
that i will never be able to untie them..

i wish to loose them,,
lay them out neatly
on the lined paper of my soul,,
make sense of them
and set them free….

i want to belong…

Artist Block by ~Asukki-chan on deviantART

as is the case with most of the bloggers i have met over the years we all started our blogs as something to record what we were thinking or going thru at that point in our lives,, i for one never imagined anyone would read my blog and thus there was no pressure,, i just wrote about what was on my mind or going on in my life..

it took several months and becoming involved in blogging network sites such as blog log and blog catalog for me to experience my first wave of readers,,, i must say it was an ego boost to know that there were people out ther that not only read my blog but commented on it.. it made me feel a part of a community,, and living in an isolated areas as i do,, feeling as if i belonged somewhere meant everything to me..

once i was introduced to the blogging memes,, i dove in head first,, i even amazed myself at the versatility with which i could write.. i eventually took up poetry in addition to the commentary,, and a short story here or there was sure to follow..

i received such stellar responses to my creative pieces i was driven to create more and more of them until i found myself with so much to say i could not contain it all on one blog so i branched out,, at one time i even had five different blogs up and running..

the words poured out of me like honey from the soul,, and  i couldn’t have felt more fulfilled..

then came the past winter when i suffered a meltdown of sorts and the words dried up.. i was so distraught i consulted with and accepted the diagnoses of a psychiatrist and a therapist that in their own brand of infinite wisdom put me on anti psychotic meds that dulled my brain to the point that i could no longer string my beloved words together..

now that i am off the medications,, i am suffering severe panic upon rising,, and it interferes greatly with the words i am able to put down on paper,, as it was during theos quiet early morning hours that i was able to produce some of my finest works.. it has caused me to have to not only reduce my blog posts to near journal entries,, but it shut down the creative side of my brain to the point that i really cannot write creatively at all at the moment.

i feel as if i have let you all down.. i feel as if i cannot provide you with the quality of writing i was producing,, and thus shy away from writing at all..

but i know in my heart that i have to keep writing,, even if it is just the lame posts i am able to put together right now,, as if i stop,, if i let it smolder it will eventually fizzle out and my words will be taken from me..  and to tell you the truth i don’t know if i could survive if it wasn’t for the opportunity to pour myself out onto the page..

it is my sincere hope that the words will return,, it is just taking my brain a while to get back to being able to think in a creative mode.. i cannot pressure myself currently to do that which is not coming naturally as it adds to the level of stress  i wake with every morning and makes me ever so uncomfortable,, so i am hoping that you ,, my true blogging friends,, will understand,, and continue to read and comment even if it is just to let me know,, in this time of few words,, that i still belogng..

… bump in the night…

inga has taken to barking at things that go bump in the night.. although for the most part,, no one hears them but her.. unfortunately thus far none of them have been the snapping of a mouse trap.. (that’s right,, not a mouse has been caught since i called in the professionals.. i have no idea if they just up and left once the nest had been destroyed or if they are just too smart to fall for the old peanut butter on the mouse trap trick anymore..) but what ever it is,, a deer in the yard,, a car horn on the tv,, or like tonight a birthday card that slipped off the mantel,, they usually wake her up at 3 to 4 am and keep her barking till the sun comes over the horizon and lights the sky.. i wonder sometimes,, if she hasn’t decided to take over moo moos place as family protector,, and just feels the need to alert us to her imagined danger..

now i am an early riser. my internal alarm clock is stuck on 4 am,,  and so the hardship isn’t in being awakened at that hour,, but rather the length of time she continues to bark.. she just keeps at it until it is light enough to open the back door for the day and she can come and go as she pleases..

over the course of the last few weeks,  i have taken to waking in a state of near panic.. i don’t know what it is,, but it causes a tightness in my chest and and internal sense of anxiety.. it comes immediately upon waking and heightens as the morning progresses.. i have even had to switch out my morning coffee for chamomile tea in order to not further accentuate it.. and i must say that when inga has one of  her barking spells,, it makes it ever so much more pronounced..

since i have no idea how to explain to her,, that such sounds are of no consequence,, there is no way for me to stifle her when she begins one of her barking sessions.. and my patience is waring thin.. i have tried neck bones and dog treats and firm no’s,, even an early breakfast,, but it seems as tho once she has herself in that mode.. only the sun breaking the horizon has the ability to calm her,, as then she can go out and survey the perimeter and make sure nothing is awry..

so here i am again up at four am,, with no words of creativity to soothe me,,  impatiently awaiting the arrival of the dawn so peace can be restored and my little inga can once again feel secure…

mice

i found some evidence of mice in the house a few weeks ago.. it came and went without incident so my fears subsided and i took for granted that they had just passed thru and were gone on their own..

much to my dismay earlier this week i found out this was not the case.. it came to light after one of the girls i worked with at the deli asked me to provide her with a letter of recommendation as she is applying for a scholarship to go to cosmetology school.. i was delighted to do so,, i gleefully prepared the letter,, and went to get an envelope to put it in..

here is where the “fun” begins!!!! i store the envelopes in a dresser that is full of stuff i rarely if ever use,, so imagine my surprise when i discovered all three drawers in that dresser were filled with mouse droppings!!!! i was not only grossed out but scared to death that other areas of the house such as ben’s room,, which is rarely if ever used,,  would be infested as well.. fortunately i looked around as much as i could in there without being too invasive,, and found no evidence of their presence.

at first i could not fathom how this could have happened.. my house is essentially one large room with a separate bedroom that is full of ben’s belongings,, and where he sleeps when he comes down for a visit..  then it occurred to me this must have happened when i changed the furniture around because moo moo was trapping the other dogs behind the dressers i use to subdivide my studio into separate rooms,,  and attacking them..

during that time i had placed the dresser in the far corner of the room,, and had a craft table set up in front of it for several months,, so there was literally zero human activity in that dresser while it was in that inconvenient spot.. i have to believe it was during that time that the mice,, and or mouse took up residence in the secluded dresser..

however,, in the last week or so i put the row of dressers back in place so as to disguise the fact that my bed is in the same room,, and must have thrown mother mouse off the idea of nesting in the dresser.. so when i moved it close enough to me to hear anything that might have been going on in the dresser,, mother mouse evidently made other plans.. i never saw or heard anything that would lead me to believe anything was awry within the dresser…

needless to say,, immediately upon discovery,,  i emptied the drawers of all of their contents,, threw away the clothing that had been destroyed by the mice,, and washed all the remaining items.. i left the drawers empty and immediately called ben in hopes that he would authorize a call to the professionals in order to get this problem under wraps..

i was not so lucky.. instead he suggested that he come down for a few days and help me.. i was thrilled to accept his offer as i have never dealt with such a problem and was clueless..

so,, i picked him up on monday and he and i went and bought the necessary traps to catch the mice.. i thought he would come home and set the traps and stay a few days and help me collect the bodies,, as surely under his experienced guidance we would catch the mice and the problem would be solved.. unfortunately,, we all know what they say about the best laid plans…..

as soon as we arrived home,, we set to work looking thru all the clutter that is ben’s room.. my stress level  went thru the roof when ben found a nest and four newborn baby mice in a dresser he has hidden in his closet!!! you can imagine how creeped out i was by this discovery,, but ben,, being the sweet heart that he is picked up and disposed of the babies for me without any problem..

once that was taken care of,, it was time to set the traps.. within the first thirty seconds of him fiddling with mouse trap and nearly losing a finger in so doing,, it became evident that ben had no more idea how to set and place a mousetrap than i did..

i immediately told him this was never going to work and i felt the need to call in the professionals.. he agreed.. and that is exactly what i did.. i called them post haste and made an appointment for wednesday..

so yesterday the technician came out and set up traps in the house in hopes of catching mama mouse and any other mice that may have taken up residence in the house with her.. he also set bait boxes around the perimeter of the house as well as in the tool shed in order to squelch the wood rat activity that has been slowly plaguing me since last summer.

my only concern at this point is that one of the poisoned rats and or mice will be meandering around the yard trying to die,, and inga will come upon them and catch them.. the technician has advised me that they place the bait boxes in many homes that have pets and have never had such an incidence,, but my guts are still in knots as it is difficult, if not impossible for me to trust that the technician knows his stuff and my puppy is safe..  given the circumstances,, however,  i either have to trust him or learn to live with a rodent infestation and that isn’t going to happen…

all in all i am relived that ben has agreed to have the professionals maintain rodent control here on a monthly basis and he will pay for it.. he has also authorized them to come out and seal off any areas of the house that they feel would accommodate the entrance of any other mice in the future,, and that will make me feel more secure as well.. i don’t know what i would do without that man,, he is truly a godsend in my life..

this morning much to my chagrin,, none of the mouse traps were “occupied”,, so that means either mama mouse moved on ,, or the mice in my house are not as stupid as i was praying they would be..

thankfully,, since i signed up for the monthly maintenance program i can call the technician and he will come and help me if the traps are not effective.. he will also come and remove any dead bodies if i cannot bring myself to do it..

ben says,, “get used to it,, this is just a part of country living..” as i cringe and reply,, “yeah,, but up until now i have always been a city girl!!!!”

transition

Transition by =NaBHaN on deviantART

i am working my way thru the transition from the psyche drugs back to the real me.. and i must say all told i feel as if i made the right decision..

the feelings of sadness and depression have all but left me.. the feeling that i need to run away,, go home,, flee this place,, have subsided…  i am no longer feeling as if i am a stir crazy bird in a cage,, but the feeling of anxiety upon waking is still with me..

i am sure that time will in turn take care of that too,, and i will soon be back to the real me.. you never appreciate what you’ve got till its gone do you??

little by little my muse appears in flashes,, i am able to write a small piece or poem and find great fulfillment in even being able to do that.. soon it will be time to resume creative writing on a regular basis and i am happy about that.. i find solace in my writing,, and i miss that very much..

i am going to bring ben down tomorrow because i found evidence of mouse activity in an old unused dresser.. he is going to help me put traps under the house and put a face plate on an open electrical outlet that was hidden behind the dresser which is surely how they got in.. once that is under control i shouldn’t have a care in the world.. or a reason for any form of anxiety.. isn’t he a dear,, willing to come help me,, all i had to do is ask??

maybe then i will be able to get my muse back in place and be able to bring more to the table than me and my internal strife.. thanks again for always being there for me when i need someone to talk to..

the caged bird

just a little something i put together for the g-mans friday flash 55

Caged by ~wontbackdown on deviantART

trapped
within the taught walls
of my heart,,
a bird, perhaps a starling,
beats her wings furiously
against my internal cage,
struggling to break free..
filled with fear
and anxiety
she flutters her wings desperately
against my chest,
yet i cannot set her free..
and it is because
she reamains trapped,,
that i cannot sing…

your authentic self…

“your authentic self..” a fellow blogger and friend, stephanie,  used these words in an email to me a couple of days ago and they have stuck with me..

Self Love by ~ArmSock666 on deviantART

it has become clear to me,, after careful consideration, that in order to truly hear the voice of ones authentic self one must learn to differentiate between the voices of reality and fantasy.. i am a fantasizer.. i can paint a beautiful picture of exactly what i wish would happen should i choose to follow a certain path.. i can see the future thru rose colored glasses that do not seem to work in the real world.. i can dream up full scale scenarios of things before they happen and more often than not end up disappointed when the reality does not, no cannot,, meet up with my fantasy..

lately i have been fantasizing that moving “home” will alleviate all the anxiety and fear i am currently working thru.. i fantasize that being close to my friends and family will make me whole,, will fill in the pieces of me that are evidently missing here,, and make me if not happy,, at least contented once again with myself and my life.. i look to being able to love and touch and interact with my loved ones as if it is a magic salve and it will soothe me with a warm coat of love and friendship and belonging that there is no way i will ever find here in my real life.. in my fantasy that place,, those people,, make me whole again…

and it is not as if i have not followed that fantasy before, many times.. in fact it was just that fantasy that brought me 3500 miles to where i am now searching for open arms,, and love,, and friendship that i had convinced myself i had no way of finding in the place or with the people in my real life at that point in time. knowing that causes me to reexamine myself and my motives,, and it is in so doing know that i know i am getting in touch with the voice of my authentic self..

it becomes clear to me that i am once again, looking outside myself for the love and admiration i refuse to show myself,, and i know deep in my heart,, that moving is never the answer.. i have moved so many times,, spent so much time running from place to place trying to find some place,, something,, someone,, that will make me whole again… when the truth of the matter is,, i have never been whole because i continue to look outside myself for what i percieve to be the missing pieces..

if i could not only hear,, but really listen to the voice of my authentic self, i would find that it already knows that it is not this place that is making it impossible for me to feel whole.. it is me… i have proven to myself time and time again,, that no matter where i go,, there i am.. so authentically i know,  that merely taking myself to another place,, just one more time,, would not make me any more whole than it ever has in the past..

no matter how many people,, no matter how much love,, no matter how much social interaction a move might add into the scenario of my life,, if i don’t listen to and believe in the voice of my authentic self i will never be whole.. i will never be contented with who, and what, and where i am.. i will never be happy because i will always be reaching out for something, some place, someone  to fulfill me,, something that my authentic self knows will never happen..

the time has come for me to realise that every day i am alive i am living my life as it is intended to be lived,, and every moment i spend wishing i was somewhere else takes away from the joy i might be able to find in the life i am currently living.. it is time for me to quit running.. to quit chasing fantasies.. to start listening to the voice of my authentic self and trust her when she says i need only look inside myself.. for it is there,, and there alone that i will find everything i will truly ever need to become whole….